Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
