Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
