is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I have post one night stand depression
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
