update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
