I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
