dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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