I am spending my child support on dildos
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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