I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
