We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
