So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
