i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
