Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
