Pappa wants mamma naked
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
