I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i believe in u and ur pee
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
