If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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