Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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