I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
