i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
