come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
