you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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