If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
