Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Why can't burritos get me drunk
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
