my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
