if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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