A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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