Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
