literally had 100 drinks last night.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
