I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize