just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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