"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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