My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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