I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
