just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize