i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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