My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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