I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
