wakey wakey hands off snakey
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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