no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
