I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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