I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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