Don't you send me to vm
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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