if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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