Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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