I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
