ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
