he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
