I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
