Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
