My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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