Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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