Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
