if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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