my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
