dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
