i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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