Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
