You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize