i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
