my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
